This is the story of Mildred and Patsy, in their own words:
Having perfected our English through contact with our kidnappers in Scotland and our grandparents in England, we were offered the opportunity to go with our adoptive parents to the Middle East to learn Arabic. We were; however, duped, as our parents speak only English and seem constitutionally incapable of learning a second language themselves, let alone teaching one to another species. Clearly the offer of a linguistic education was a ruse to take us further from our native land.
It is too late to do anything about the intellectual shortcomings of our new parents, so instead I shall recount the details of our journey, to serve as a warning to other birds in similar situations.
We left the bitter, unforgiving cold of England just before Christmas (our new parents were too excited about their brand new Christmas Mulberrys to remember to take a picture of us before our very first flight, which should have been our first warning that something was terribly, horribly wrong with these people). We were excited to fly, as that is our natural inclination, but less excited when we found out we would be travelling wrapped in tissue paper, locked up in a dark suitcase. At least we got to travel as carry on baggage and not in the hold. In the rush to get to the airport no one thought to offer us some Scottish oats and we both suffered terribly on the flight, though our hunger pangs turned to horror as we heard our parents ordering CHICKEN for dinner!!
When we finally arrived in our new home in Dubai, horror was added to horror when we were released from our Samsonite prison only to find ourselves faced with two of the most ancient enemies of our venerable species - CATS!!
These savage monsters have been stalking us since we arrived. It's only by taking turns sleeping that we have managed to escape becoming their meal. Between our chicken eating parents and their feline minions, we fear daily for our safety. Thankfully, the woman can barely boil water, let alone pluck and dress a bird.
We are currently plotting an escape from this family of fowl murders, but our inability to speak the native language combined with the constant presence of the cats has made an attempt impossible as of yet. We will send our next communiqué when it is safe to do so.
Editor's note: Mildred and Patsy also managed to smuggle this picture to us; further proof that they are still alive.
COMMENTS FROM THE KIDNAPPERS
Mildred, Patsy,: What have we done to you? After reading this diary entry we should never have sent you away southwards. You were happy here and got to visit some nice places in Scotland. You were also getting to enjoy eating your porridge every morning.
We are sorry we turffed you out of our home. We should never have listened to the Hennessay's. Please come back to us.
Yours peckingly, Iain & Janis